In its sheer perversity, this Rube Goldbergian movie is more drolly amusing than laugh-out-loud funny. But it is unquestionably not quite like anything else before it (excepting perhaps “Crumbs”), and that’s a virtue from which cult followings are born.
Yet somehow when Gagano is wounded by phantom nemeses, he can no longer be woken from his comatose state in the CIA lab. This is unhappy news not just to him, but to doting spouse Malin (Gerda-Annette Allikas), a Teutonic blonde twice his size. She’d been looking forward to his imminent retirement from espionage, and of realizing their respective dreams of opening a pizza parlor and kickboxing studio. The ninja-type perils they encounter while in this virtual world are not supposed to be harmful to their unconscious bodies in our physical one.
Some of the more obscure guilty-pleasure subgenres familiar to fans of international psychotronic cinema get thrown in a blender to create Miguel Llanso’s second feature. The resulting concoction is a witch’s brew of cheap 1960s European 007 knockoffs, ’70s Filipino exploitation cinema, vintage kung fu pics, retro TV sci-fi cheese and lucha libre-type masked machismo, as well as myriad other elements, filtered through a narrative framework of Cold War anxiety and Afrofuturist techno-fantasy.
CIA agents DT Gagano (diminutive Daniel Tadesse from “Crumbs”) and Palmer Eldritch (Augustin Mateo) are guinea pigs in a government experiment where they’re monitored by scientists as they go “under” to fight a Soviet computer virus named “Stalin” in a virtual-reality universe. They do much of this wearing animated Robert Redford and Richard Pryor masks, moving in herky-jerk stop motion.
A drug trip? A Deep State plot? That may seem like quite enough conceptual craziness for one movie. Is this maze-like story all a dream? But “Jesus” keeps piling on new layers of conspiracy, reality, parody and pure goofiness — not excluding very liberal character variations on both Batman and the titular messianic figure. Llanso’s absurdist jape of a script keeps juggling such possibilities, with a dedicated internal consistency as impressive as its result is deliberately senseless.
Billed as “a WTF thriller,” it will duly produce that flummoxed exclamation from unprepared viewers. But those with a simpatico arcane pop-cultural taste for giddy absurdism will find “Jesus Shows You the Way to the Highway” as delightfully nonsensical as its inspired title.
Zoom lensing, vertical wipes and other devices of yesteryear also add flavor, as does a soundtrack whose archaically hip accents run a gamut from free jazz to demoded electronics.” /> The entire package is ingeniously tacky, from the energetic and idiosyncratic performances (as well as their deliberately crude English dubbing) to the vintage Z-movie fashions, dated technology (’80s computers, ’70s telephones, etc.) and liberal use of stock footage. The movie’s three DPs shot in various formats for maximum faux-period verisimilitude, including different types of 16mm cameras.
Expanding on the surreal superheroic template of his Ethiopia-shot 2015 feature debut “Crumbs,” which followed several well-traveled shorts, this crowdfunded epic sprawls across several nations, shooting formats and space/time dimensions. Its shoestring production values don’t hobble the proceedings  — indeed, it’s the no-budget realization of fantastical ideas and FX that lends much of the charm here.

Akiva Goldsman will also be spearheading the endeavor as the film’s main producer, with Jordan, Josh Appelbaum, and Andre Nemec also producing.
Clark, aka John Terrence Kelly, is an ex-Navy-SEAL-turned-operations-officer for the CIA who has appeared in 17 novels starting with 1988’s “The Cardinal of the Kremlin.” Though mainly seen as a secondary character who helps CIA analyst Jack Ryan with the physical elements of missions, Clark finally stepped into the spotlight with “Without Remorse,” which tells his backstory on how he came to work for the CIA.
Jordan starring as operations officer John Clark. “Yellowstone” creator Taylor Sheridan has come on board to rewrite Paramount’s adaptation of the Tom Clancy novel “Without Remorse,” with Michael B.
Since writing the critically acclaimed thrillers “Sicario” and “Hell or High Water,” Sheridan has been one of the most highly coveted writers in Hollywood. He has been focusing on the second season of his hit Paramount series “Yellowstone,” which he just finished shooting.
He is repped by CAA and Elevate Entertainment.
RELATED VIDEO:” />
Sheridan’s involvement clearly shows how high a priority this project is for the studio, which is trying to start a franchise with Jordan based on the Clark character. Jordan is currently attached to “Without Remorse” and “Rainbow Six,” which also features Clark. The studio hopes that the film will go into production in 2019.
The pic marks a reunion for Sheridan and his “Sicario: Day of the Soldado” helmer Stefano Sollima, who will be directing.

All of which leads to Wheeler’s being carted off to the recommissioned submarine that one character aptly likens to Gitmo. Rhodes (Al Sapienza), Wheeler’s CIA mentor, gives his associates fair warning: “He so much as gets his hands on a strand of floss, and he’ll find his way out of here.” (Well, at least he seems to be the hero of the piece.) Right from the start, however, it’s clear that Wheeler is too tough to crack, and too shrewd to remain restrained. While a skeleton crew of Navy personnel operates the vessel in a sealed-off area, the spooks set about the task of interrogating and torturing our hero.
Throughout most of the movie’s perceptibly padded running time, Lundgren’s character is incarcerated in a dank prison cell on the sub — next door to the one in which Van Damme’s character fleetingly cools his heels — where we periodically see him reading, exercising, meditating, and generally looking very Zen. The billing is more than a little misleading. “Universal Soldier” cohorts Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren may be listed in the credits (and promoted in the advertising art) as co-stars of “Black Water,” but it’s up to Van Damme to do most of the damage in this routine VOD-centric action thriller set aboard a submarine employed as a CIA black site. Truth to tell, Lundgren enjoys a greater percentage of screen time, and engages in slightly more rough stuff, in the punchy music video for Imagine Dragons’ “Believer.” To call this a cameo role would be overly generous.
Wheeler survives the shootout with the dongle in his possession. intelligence, he’s understandably reluctant to reveal where he ditched the dongle after he’s forcibly detained by a team of CIA and FBI agents and heavily armed freelancers. But since he has good reason to suspect he’s been betrayed by a traitor in the ranks of U.S.
As it turns out, shooting, not flossing, is what allows Wheeler to make his escape, as his captors turn against one another while acting out one of scripter Chad Law’s predictable plot twists.
(Or, in this case, passageways.) Cinematographer Pasha Patriki, here making his directorial debut, proved capable of handling comparable mayhem in close quarters while shooting “Gridlocked,” a better-than-average 2015 quickie set mostly in a secluded police outpost. Like many small-budget B movies intended mainly for small-screen consumption, “Black Water” consists primarily of people running, shooting, hiding, and colliding at various points along dimly lit corridors. He evidences similar proficiency here, although he must periodically rely on stock footage of submarines to convince the audience that, no, what they’re seeing isn’t happening in a deserted warehouse somewhere.
Van Damme, appearing appropriately weather-beaten, gamely goes through the motions while picking up an easy paycheck, while Jasmine Waltz struggles, with only sporadic success, not to generate derisive laughter from the audience as a rookie CIA agent who becomes Wheeler’s reluctant ally. Eventually, the mismatched pair need a third player on their team, so they spring Marco (Lundgren) and hand him a gun or two. Not surprisingly, Lundgren is refreshed and well rested by the time his character joins the fray. Unfortunately, he doesn’t stick around long enough to work up a sweat.” />
Van Damme dutifully handles the lion’s share of lifting as Scott Wheeler, a CIA op whose deep-cover mission to expose a rogue agent takes a turn for the worse during a shootout at a Mobile, Ala., motel. All you need to know is, in order to access this particular dingus, you need a unique dongle. The bad guys subtract Wheeler’s lovely partner and playmate (Courtney B. Turk) from the equation and seize a flash drive containing info about … about … well, never mind, it doesn’t matter — the dingus is just a MacGuffin anyway.

You can take action or take a dick
Listen, you can get fucked by the system
Or you can say fuck the system No education in the hood, got a nigga confused

[Verse 2: Taboo]
Street livin’, tough conditions
Brainwashed by the television
We lost in the war we live in
Double cross love lost no religion
Street livin’, oh my gosh
Another brother got shot by the searg’
Another cop got off with no charge
If you black in the hood, you at large
You’re guilty until we prove you’re innocent
If you’re ivory, they treat you different
If you’re ebony, they assume you’re temperament
Well, be vigilant, and they call you militant
You’ll get shot, and they’ll say the incident
Is because you’re beligerent
What a coincidence? Be the killer or be the dead dude in the news
I get it, what’s a nigga to do? [Verse 1: will.i.am]
Street livin’, caught in a trap
Guns or books, sell crack or rap
Be like kings or be like pawns
They called us coons, now they call us cons
Street niggas be packing pistols
Terrorists be blasting missles
Crips and bloods and retail thugs
CIA planes bring Columbian drugs
Don’t push me cause I’m close to hell
And compare to them, prison guards get payed well
Ten years no bail is 4 years at Yale
So, forget about the statue of General Lee
Because the status of blacks are generally
Are gonna end up in some penitentiary
Systematically, that’s how they made it to be
Listen, they derailed the soul train
And put a nightmare into every Martin Luther King
And private complexes are owned by the same
Slave masters that owned the slave trade game
And racists no longer have to be racist
Cause niggas kill more niggas than the KKK did
Now, every time I hear a new def jam
Niggas killing niggas like they Ku Klux Klan
I understand what’s a nigga to choose? If you ain’t dead, you can see imprisonment
[Verse 3: apl.de.ap]
It’s more niggas in the prisons than there ever slaves cotton picking
There’s more niggas that’s rotting in the prisons than there ever slaves cotton picking
So, how we gon’ get out the trap? Guns or books, sell crack or rap
Street livin’, hustle or hoops
Guns or books, get shot or shoot
Street livin’, ain’t no rules
Break the law, make or break the news
The life you choose could be the life you lose
Niggas getting stuck for the Nike shoes
Street livin’, ain’t no joke
It’s a cold world, better bring your coat
Revoke cause the streets are broke
Now, they wanna take away our dreams and hopes
Street livin’, no economics
No way out of the Reaganomics
Infected by the black plague, new bubonic
No comprende, we speak ebonics
Street livin’, what’s your position?

Ladies up in here tonight
No fighting
We got the refugees up in here (no fighting)
No fighting

Shakira, Shakira

I never really knew that she could dance like this
She makes a man wants to speak Spanish
Como se llama (si)
Bonita (si)
Mi casa (Shakira Shakira), su casa

Oh baby when you talk like that
You make a woman go mad
So be wise (si) and keep on (si)
Reading the signs of my body (uno, dos, tres, cuatro)

And I’m on tonight you know my hips don’t lie
And I’m starting to feel it’s right
All the attraction, the tension
Don’t you see baby, this is perfection

Hey Girl, I can see your body moving
And it’s driving me crazy
And I didn’t have the slightest idea
Until I saw you dancing

And when you walk up on the dance floor
Nobody cannot ignore
The way you move your body, girl (just move)
And everything so unexpected, the way you right and left it
So you can keep on shaking it

I never really knew that she could dance like this
She makes a man wants to speak Spanish
Como se llama (si)
Bonita (si)
Mi casa (Shakira Shakira), su casa

Oh baby when you talk like that
You make a woman go mad
So be wise (si) and keep on (si)
Reading the signs of my body (no fighting)

And I’m on tonight you know my hips don’t lie (no fighting)
And I am starting to feel you boy
Come on lets go, real slow
Don’t you see baby asi es perfecto

I know I am on tonight
My hips don’t lie and I am starting to feel it’s right
All the attraction, the tension
Don’t you see baby, this is perfection (Shakira, Shakira)

Oh boy, I can see your body moving
Half animal, half man
I don’t, don’t really know what I’m doing
But you seem to have a plan
My will and self restraint
Have come to fail now, fail now
See, I am doing what I can, but I can’t so you know
That’s a bit too hard to explain

Baila en la calle de noche
Baila en la calle de día

Baila en la calle de noche
Baila en la calle de día

I never really knew that she could dance like this
She makes a man wants to speak Spanish
Como se llama (si)
Bonita (si)
Mi casa (Shakira Shakira), su casa

Oh baby when you talk like that
You know you got me hypnotized
So be wise and keep on
Reading the signs of my body

Señorita,
Feel the conga, let me see you move like you come from Colombia

Mira en Barranquilla se baila así, say it!
En Barranquilla se baila así

Yeah, she’s so sexy every man’s fantasy a refugee
Like me back with the Fugees from a 3rd world country
I go back like when Pac carried crates
For Humpty Humpty we need a whole club dizzy
Why the CIA wanna watch us? Colombians and Haitians
I ain’t guilty, it’s a musical transaction
No more do we snatch ropes
Refugees run the seas ’cause we own our own boats (no fighting)

I’m on tonight
My hips don’t lie and I am starting to feel you boy
Come on lets go, real slow
Baby like this is perfecto (no fighting)

Oh, you know I am on tonight
My hips don’t lie and I am starting to feel it’s right
The attraction
The tension
Baby, like this is perfection

No fighting
No fighting

Ladies up in here tonight
No fighting, no fighting
We got the refugees up in here
No fighting, no fighting

Shakira, Shakira

I never really knew that she could dance like this
She makes a man wants to speak Spanish
Como te llama,[si],bonita[si], que pasa?
Shakira, Shakira

Oh baby when you talk like that
You make a woman go mad
So be wise and keep on
Reading the signs of my body

And I’m on tonight
You know my hips don’t lie
And I’m starting to feel it’s right
All the attraction, the tension
Don’t you see baby, si, es perfecto

Hey Girl, I can see your body moving
And it’s driving me crazy
And I didn’t have the slightest idea
Until I saw you dancing

And when you walk up on the dance floor
Nobody cannot ignore the way you move your body, girl
And everything so unexpected – the way you right and left it
So you can keep on taking it

I never really knew that she could dance like this
She makes a man want to speak Spanish
Como te llama[si], bonita[si], que pasa?
Shakira, Shakira

Oh baby when you talk like that
You make a woman go mad
So be wise and keep on
Reading the signs of my body

And I’m on tonight
You know my hips don’t lie
And I am starting to feel you boy
Come on lets go, real slow
Don’t you see baby asi es perfecto

Oh I know I am on tonight my hips don’t lie
And I am starting to feel it’s right
All the attraction, the tension
Don’t you see baby, si, es perfecto
Shakira, Shakira

Oh boy, I can see your body moving
Half animal, half man
I don’t, don’t really know what I’m doing
But you seem to have a plan
My will and self restraint
Have come to fail now, fail now
See, I am doing what I can, but I can’t so you know
That’s a bit too hard to explain

Baila en la calle de noche
Baila en la calle de dia

Baila en la calle de noche
Baila en la calle de dia

I never really knew that she could dance like this
She makes a man want to speak Spanish
Como te llama[si], bonita[si], que pasa?
Shakira, Shakira

Oh baby when you talk like that
You know you got me hypnotized
So be wise and keep on
Reading the signs of my body

Senorita, feel the conga, let me see you move
like you come from Colombia

Mira en Barranquilla se baila asi , say it!
Mira en Barranquilla se baila asi
Yeah

She’s so sexy every man’s fantasy a refugee
like me back with the Fugees from a 3rd world country
I go back like when ‘pac carried crates for Humpty Humpty
I need a whole club dizzy
Why the CIA wanna watch us?
Colombians and Haitians
I ain’t guilty, it’s a musical transaction
No more do we snatch ropes
Refugees run the seas ’cause we own our own boats

I’m on tonight, my hips don’t lie
And I’m starting to feel you boy
Come on let’s go, real slow
Baby, like this is perfecto

Oh, you know I am on tonight and my hips don’t lie
And I am starting to feel it’s right
The attraction, the tension
Baby, like this is perfection

No fighting
No fighting

Right now
Oh I am an anti-Christ
And I am an anarchist
Don’t know what I want
But I know how to get it
I want to destroy your passion boy
‘Cause I, I want to be, anarchy
In this fuckin’ city

Anarchy for the USA
It’s coming sometime, maybe
I give a wrong time stop at traffic line
Your future dream is a sharpie’s scheme
‘Cause I want to be, anarchy
Well it’s the only way to be

Ha ha ha ha ha ha
There are many ways to get what you want
I use the best, well I use the rest
Well I use the enemy
I use anarchy
‘Cause I, I want to be, anarchy
Fuck the rat race man

Is this the PMRC
Or is this the DEA
Or is this the CIA
I thought it was the U.S.A.
Or just another country
Some other fuckin’ country
And I, want to be, anarchy
Oh I want to fuckin’ hear it man
And I, want to be, anarchy
Let’s say it again boys
And I, want to be, anarchy
Fuckin’ destroy

Ladies up in here tonight
No fighting, no fighting
We got the refugees up in here
No fighting, no fighting

Shakira, Shakira

I never really knew that she could dance like this
She makes a man wants to speak Spanish
Como te llama,[si],bonita[si], que pasa?
Shakira, Shakira

Oh baby when you talk like that
You make a woman go mad
So be wise and keep on
Reading the signs of my body

And I’m on tonight
You know my hips don’t lie
And I’m starting to feel it’s right
All the attraction, the tension
Don’t you see baby, si, es perfecto

Hey Girl, I can see your body moving
And it’s driving me crazy
And I didn’t have the slightest idea
Until I saw you dancing

And when you walk up on the dance floor
Nobody cannot ignore the way you move your body, girl
And everything so unexpected – the way you right and left it
So you can keep on taking it

I never really knew that she could dance like this
She makes a man want to speak Spanish
Como te llama[si], bonita[si], que pasa?
Shakira, Shakira

Oh baby when you talk like that
You make a woman go mad
So be wise and keep on
Reading the signs of my body

And I’m on tonight
You know my hips don’t lie
And I am starting to feel you boy
Come on lets go, real slow
Don’t you see baby asi es perfecto

Oh I know I am on tonight my hips don’t lie
And I am starting to feel it’s right
All the attraction, the tension
Don’t you see baby, si, es perfecto
Shakira, Shakira

Oh boy, I can see your body moving
Half animal, half man
I don’t, don’t really know what I’m doing
But you seem to have a plan
My will and self restraint
Have come to fail now, fail now
See, I am doing what I can, but I can’t so you know
That’s a bit too hard to explain

Baila en la calle de noche
Baila en la calle de dia

Baila en la calle de noche
Baila en la calle de dia

I never really knew that she could dance like this
She makes a man want to speak Spanish
Como te llama[si], bonita[si], que pasa?
Shakira, Shakira

Oh baby when you talk like that
You know you got me hypnotized
So be wise and keep on
Reading the signs of my body

Senorita, feel the conga, let me see you move
like you come from Colombia

Mira en Barranquilla se baila asi , say it!
Mira en Barranquilla se baila asi
Yeah

She’s so sexy every man’s fantasy a refugee
like me back with the Fugees from a 3rd world country
I go back like when ‘pac carried crates for Humpty Humpty
I need a whole club dizzy
Why the CIA wanna watch us?
Colombians and Haitians
I ain’t guilty, it’s a musical transaction
No more do we snatch ropes
Refugees run the seas ’cause we own our own boats

I’m on tonight, my hips don’t lie
And I’m starting to feel you boy
Come on let’s go, real slow
Baby, like this is perfecto

Oh, you know I am on tonight and my hips don’t lie
And I am starting to feel it’s right
The attraction, the tension
Baby, like this is perfection

No fighting
No fighting

Right now
Oh I am an anti-Christ
And I am an anarchist
Don’t know what I want
But I know how to get it
I want to destroy your passion boy
‘Cause I, I want to be, anarchy
In this fuckin’ city

Anarchy for the USA
It’s coming sometime, maybe
I give a wrong time stop at traffic line
Your future dream is a sharpie’s scheme
‘Cause I want to be, anarchy
Well it’s the only way to be

Ha ha ha ha ha ha
There are many ways to get what you want
I use the best, well I use the rest
Well I use the enemy
I use anarchy
‘Cause I, I want to be, anarchy
Fuck the rat race man

Is this the PMRC
Or is this the DEA
Or is this the CIA
I thought it was the U.S.A.
Or just another country
Some other fuckin’ country
And I, want to be, anarchy
Oh I want to fuckin’ hear it man
And I, want to be, anarchy
Let’s say it again boys
And I, want to be, anarchy
Fuckin’ destroy